I saw the film Her weeks ago, and one element of the movie still haunts me.

Set in futuristic LA, it’s about a man named Theodore Twombly (played by Joachin Phoenix) who ends up dating his artificially intelligent operating system. Far-fetched, perhaps, but I enjoyed this quirky cinematic excursion.

The way Theodore communicates with his operating system is by placing a small bud in his ear. This enables him to hear the voice of “her” (played by Scarlett Johansson). Since the operating system is programmed to be positive toward Theodore, to serve and support him, his own self-talk is essentially replaced by this always affirming, gentle voice.

The effect is transformative. Theodore’s life suddenly seems worth living. For the first time we see him smile and walk with a bounce in his step.

The Power of Self-Talk

How would our lives be different if we could replace our regular internal voice with one that is always affirming and reassuring and loyal to us? What could we accomplish if that nagging voice of doubt and derision was muted by a voice of love? How much more successful would we be? You might be surprised.

Psychologist Suzanne Segerstrom, of the University of Kentucky, links positive self-talk to increased perseverance.

A Forbes article says positive self-talk can be dramatically helpful and is a skill taught in leadership and management boot-camps for high-potential managers. In the article author Erika Andersen quotes her book Leading So People Will Follow, which explores six leadership characteristics that inspire followers to fully support their leaders, one of which is self-talk.

And if that’s not enough, The Mayo Clinic lists the following as benefits of compassionate self-talk:

• Increased life span.
• Lower rates of depression.
• Lower levels of distress.
• Greater resistance to the common cold.
• Better psychological and physical well-being.
• Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease.
• Better coping skills during hardships.

Clearly positive self-talk, though easy to overlook, is important to anyone who wants to experience success. (Want to tweet that?)

Positive Self-Talk vs. Stuart Smalley

It’s tempting to think of all this as psychobabble, but it’s not. In fact, the voice that’s telling you it’s psychobabble is sabotaging self-talk! This is not about Stuart Smalley from SNL either. Stuart Smalley is the embodiment of phoniness and vainglory born of insecurity. I’m also not talking about giving yourself a pass when you’ve really screwed up, though even then beating yourself up helps no one, least of all you.

This is about acknowledging that we deserve our own loyalty. (Tweet that?)

One of the ways we get in our own way is by belittling this issue. It’s important, and it deserves our attention.

How It Looks in Real Life

So often we inflict ourselves with negativity over the smallest things. We drop something and a voice inside yells “You idiot!” We forget something and “Jerk!” leaps to mind. Someone looks at us funny, and it stays with us for days if not years.

I still remember being in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, visiting one of those touristy shops that specializes in replicas from the Middle Ages—dragons’ teeth, suits of armor, that sort of thing. Admiring swords on the wall, I said casually to the shopkeeper, “Those are fun to look at.” He came back at me snarkily with “Yeah, they’re fun to buy, too!”

Now obviously that wasn’t the kindest thing to say, but this happened over ten years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday! This shopkeeper has long forgotten his comment, yet I invite it to take up residence between my ears like infected blisters.

My point is that negativity and shame are the path of least resistance. If we let it, harmful self-talk can become the only voice we hear, which is a sad place to be.

3 Steps to Improve Your Self-Talk

So how do we get better at this? In addition to the above references, check out these helpful posts if you have time:

• 12 Easy Steps to Create Positive Self-Talk Leading to Your Success
• Talk to Yourself with External Pronouns for Better Self-Criticism
• Self-Talk Your Way to Success

But for the sake of brevity I’ve boiled it all down to 3 steps using the acronym B.E.T., which I’ve been trying to incorporate into my own life:

1. Become aware of your self-talk, particularly your negative self-talk. We talk to ourselves all the time. It’s just part of the human condition. The trick is to become aware of it, to notice it. That’s the first step.
2. End the negativity. Many therapists and life coaches recommend actually saying out loud “Stop” or “No” when you hear the destructive voices start to chatter. Whether you say something aloud or not, when you catch yourself, stop.
3. Take out the bad stuff and replace it with compassionate stuff. If you were loyal to yourself, how would what you just said to yourself be different? Focus on that.

Question: Do you struggle with this? Have you had any success? What works for you? You can leave a comment by clicking here.