It was my son’s first day of kindergarten, and to be honest my wife and I were a wreck. He’s our first child, and while I think we knew deep down he was ready, was he really? Could he do this? Could we?
I picked him up, held him. Trying to steady my voice I whispered the best advice I knew to give in that moment: “Remember, bud, the best way to find a friend is to . . .”
“be a friend,” he finished my sentence.
It was a line we’d rehearsed many times before, and it comes from the book Little Bear Finds a Friend, published by Standard back in the eighties. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find it on Amazon.
I could have said a lot of different things. Listen to your teacher. Be a good boy. Play nice. But the reason I said what I did is because I know how important friends are.
It is no exaggeration to say that for me friends have been the difference between a decent life and a complete and utter wreckage of a life.
Friends have been my salvation.
But not just that. Friends make life fun! I think this is one reason adolescents often pull away from their parents in favor of friends. For the first time they’ve discovered the society of like-minded peers, and it’s intoxicating.
But that doesn’t mean friendship is easy. It requires commitment and vulnerability and forgiveness. Close friendships require that we show our dark or ugly side. When I’ve done this it feels like I’m holding up the broken pieces and saying, “Here’s where I am. Here’s me. Can you live with that?”
It is a scary place to be.
But if your friend can be with the person you really are, you have a precious ally for all that comes your way. And you have the opportunity to be the same for him or her.
We can do life in a lot of different ways. We can engage the creative process in many different ways.
My advice: Don’t go it alone.
But what if you find yourself with a lack of friends? Or what if you feel like the friends you have just bring you down?
First, know this: you are not alone. A lot in our culture militates against true friendship. Add to this the difficulty of getting vulnerable, and it’s just true that there are a lot of lonely people in the world.
Second, make it a priority. You’re not selfish to want friends for heaven’s sake! You deserve a really close friend or two or more, and others do too. So decide that this is something you are going to take seriously.
Third, give it some time and be on the lookout. If you’re a praying person, ask God to bring some potential friends into your life.
Fourth, invite the person to coffee or lunch and carve out the time. Figure it out. Don’t let other things crowd this out. It’s too important.
Fifth, have fun! Don’t come on too strong, be natural, and let things flow.
Sixth, if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, don’t stress. Go back to step three above.
Couple questions I’d love to hear from you on: How have friends helped you in your own life? How have you made the friends you have?
Like your post which I am reading while sitting alone at a bar. Why aren’t you here?
Dang it, man. We’ve got to take care of this problem soon! Let’s set a date!
My son began kindergarten this year. The first two weeks he cried everyday (and I was a nervous wreck). The third week he stopped crying because his teacher paired him up with another homesick boy. He never looked back. Friends made all the difference.
I can’t even imagine where I would be without my friends. We hold one another up, encourage, and sometimes give each other a kick in the backside. Best of all we can talk and laugh for hours, even in a room full of screaming kids. I sometimes feel we don’t find our friends, God brings them to us. There is no other explanation for such gifts.
I love that story about your son finding a friend. One of my own closest friends these days comes via a friendship that our sons forged. You’re right. Friendship is pure gift.
Chad, I loved this post! I’ve had the same best friend for 33 years. I like meeting new people and I adore making friends. My husband teases me that I have a bullseye on my forehead because complete strangers will come up and talk to me in stores, the mall, the coffee shop, etc.
I’m not fancy or pretentious–I’m just “me.” I’ve been so blessed by the friends in my life, and if I can be a blessing to others I feel that’s a way I can honor God.
That’s awesome, Cynthia. I’m a bit more introverted than you, it sounds like, so it takes real effort to reach out and connect with strangers. But I try, and I love your emphasis on looking for ways to bless others.
Thanks for this refreshing post! I thought it was going to be a post on how we shouldn’t self-publish, lol. Friends have made all the difference in my life, and the hard times not only gave them a chance to reveal they were true friends but also taught me how to be a true friend. My life is so much richer for those people who give me breathing space to be myself, and who allow me to give of myself to them.
Laura, That’s funny. I have a post on self-epublishing coming up very soon. (Pssst, I’m a fan of self-epublishing.) Thanks for your thoughts on friendship too. You’re so right about the hard times.
I’ll look forward to that! I’m both looking for an agent and publisher and trying to crowd-source funds to either market or self-publish my first novel right now, so I would love to hear what you have to say on the topic.