Conflict is inevitable when people care about themselves and the work they’re doing. In fact, a lack of conflict can be worrisome because it can mean people have grown apathetic or don’t trust others to play fair.
But for conflict to actually go somewhere and change things for the better, we need a way to process it intentionally. Conflict produces such a commotion of feelings and impulses that it can be difficult to know the way forward.
Some may disagree with me here, but I think it’s a good idea to talk with someone you trust about what happened and what you plan to do before engaging the person with whom you have a conflict. Get a trusted friend’s or coworker’s feedback and vent your feelings, but don’t allow the conversation to spiral into gossip and slander. Be respectful even if someone was disrespectful to you. Here especially, two wrongs don’t make a right.
The following four steps, to be employed face to face with a colleague (NOT via email), can bring clarity to the situation and help you progress in a deliberate, ordered way.
- Facts.
- Feelings.
- Perceptions.
- Wants.
Facts: “Yesterday you said this project is worthless.”
Feelings: “Honestly, that made me both angry and anxious.”
Perceptions: “My perception is that you have written this project off, and you do not intend to give it a chance.”
Wants: “I want you to give this project a chance.”
After stating your wants, and this is hard, wait silently. Give the other person a chance to respond to what you’ve said. Chances are, things will move in a positive direction. If not, it might be time to ask for a neutral party to help.
Obviously the above example is simplified. You may want to expand on any one of the above, but try not to mix the steps. In other words, when you’re stating the facts, don’t mix feelings or perceptions in with them. Just give the data. When you’re talking about your feelings, a crucial step, don’t embed your perceptions. For the fourth step, you may want to make more of a case. For example, “I want you to give this project a chance. I’ve been given the mandate to make this project happen. Why shouldn’t we all give it our best shot?”
On the other hand, don’t get carried away. Move through the four steps and hear from the other person. The goal is to make progress, not to give the other person “a piece of your mind.”
My experience is that while conflicts are tough, they also can be terribly important. They have a way of deepening relationships and moving members of a team into alignment.
And by the way, these steps work in settings other than the workplace too…
What have you found most useful in engaging with others in conflict?
I don’t know, it doesn’t seem oversimplified to me… especially for someone who’s naturally a harmonizer and hates to rock the boat. Love this simple script for boldly engaging even when relationship is hard. Will be using it with clients… and my tween daughter! 🙂
Awesome, Laurie! Glad it was helpful to you. And thanks for writing in!
My dad grew up in a war zone. He is a very calm man. VERY calm. I have only seen him truly angry about 4 times. He loathes conflict of any sort and backs away from it as much as he can.
But there isn’t a better man to have on my side in a pinch.
Speak calmly, softly and with direct points.
Not that I do that, but that’s what I’ve heard. 🙂
Appreciate the honesty here, Jennifer, and the whole idea of speaking calmly. Remaining collected can be difficult, but we will seldom regret doing so, whereas we often do regret the times we lose our cool.
I hate conflict. Just hate it. But I thank God for it because it has a way making us grow. If we respond well to it, anyway.
I read The Peaemaker by Ken Sande years ago. An excellent book. It taught me a lot about conflict resolution.
Thanks for mentioning Sande’s book! In my mind it is THE book on biblical conflict resolution!